This is not really a piece, or a letter. Maybe it is just a reflection. In the last two days I have had three conversations with guys randomly from my past. It has rattled the everyday pattern of life. I have felt angry and sad and ashamed for feeling both.
I don’t know if you have experienced this but there is this truth which dawns on you after infatuation fades, a truth that this person is not perfect. A truth that even though you were trying to do everything in your power to please this person, they were not doing the same for you. I tend to look for/see the best in people, so even when hurt I blame myself for being overemotional.
Unlearning my darling, unlearning.
Unlearning that just because you make me get butterflies in my tummy doesn’t mean you deserve my midnight dreams of a future with you. Unlearning that I don’t have a voice and you are always right. Learning that disagreeing does not accomplish nothing. Unlearning that even if when looking back in retrospect I am nothing to you, I shouldn’t be ashamed that you were something to me.
Unlearning that I am not allowed to mourn for something that never was. Unlearning that I am a backup plan, second best, when you run out of a first option. Unlearning that I should trust you with the secrets of my heart and let you read the open book of my life when you have done nothing to earn that privilege. Unlearning that my dreams of traveling the world with you were not folly, they were just a part of who I am. I am a dreamer.
Unlearning that I have to be the quiet bird that doesn’t sing. Unlearning that it was you and not the idea of you that I craved. Unlearning that I have to pick up your calls and text you back and shrug it all off. Unlearning that I don’t have a right to be hurt, to be angry that you made me believe there was something that never was. Unlearning that my feelings don’t matter. Unlearning that other people are going to like you and talk about how great you are but that won’t make my feelings less than valid.
Unlearning that because you are charming you are my prince. Unlearning that you are my future. You are not, and that is okay. Unlearning that it matters that this may not be that big of a deal to you. Learning that this is for me. Learning that I will be *am* okay. Learning that I will let you go.
Learning that it’s not me, it’s you.