On Being Woman Relationships
My Problem with Virginity; You don’t become empty
March 19, 2017
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  1. Firstly, because of my belief system and values I do have to say I understand sex to be more than just physical. I absolutely believe its most beautiful value lies in a specific context. This post, however, is not that discussion. My aim is actually combating the negative and sometimes sexist ways sex/virginity has been presented; Especially by the church and conservative communities. 
  2. Thus, let’s talk about virginity. This has been the devotional theme in my school so yeah, you know I had to write about it. Firstly my childhood best friend helped me realize,  “Virginity. Is. Not. A. Thing!” Would I offend you if I told you ‘the broken hymen’ test has been an idea conceptualized to give women materialistic value.*it doesn’t even work that way* also why is there no virginity test or check for men? Why is it, she can be called whore/ho/slut, and there are no synonyms for men? Chimamanda, my guru, speaks on how there is inequality in the sexuality training of both males and females. I agree. The girl is taught to keep herself pure and holy. Her virginity is more emphasized, for some reason. Allow me to flip your preconceived notions upside down in crude terms, God didn’t put a woman’s worth in her vagina
  3. Secondly, I hate that the conversation has been focused on virginity over sex. Giving more value to virginity than to sex isn’t helpful to anyone. The idea causes one of two things to happen if a girl happens to have sex for the first time outside of marriage. She has ‘lost her virginity’ so she has ‘lost her value’. She has less to give her future husband than a girl who hasn’t. Depression ensues, feeling less than, shame, brokenness.       Or she has ‘lost her virginity’ so she has nothing else to give. She is stained sheets so she might as well let as many guys as are willing lie between her.
  4. My really good friend tells me “sex should be shared,  not given or lost“. I love that statement. It makes me understand, as my lecturer would put it, “the power dynamics” of sex. Simply giving, or losing it is relinquishing power entirely. Sharing is giving, but at the same time receiving. It is loving. Loving not just other but self too. I think when it is given there is a sense of loss but when it is shared it is beautiful. 
  5. Dear Girl, you can’t lose yourself. All of you is still inside of you. You may have forgotten parts of you, some of you may need a little dusting off, but you are still fully you. You are worthy still. You are unempty still. You are your smile, and your laugh, and the people you love, the people who love you, your gifts, your resilience, your heart. And in case you need to be reminded,                                            “God did not put your value in your vagina.                                                             God sees your value in your soul. ” 
  • For a little laugh, well they made me laugh at least,  I will leave you with the following virginity statements. Literally these are real things that have been said to real girls (I researched by asking friends) about their virginity/sex. *sips tea*
  1. It is a padlock, the guy is a key. Everyone treasures a padlock opened by one key and despises the one opened by many. 
  2. Situation– sucks a lolipop then asks, “does anyone want to suck this lolipop after I’ve already sucked it? No one? Good, now you see no one wants to suck an already sucked lolipop” 
  3. It is like gum. The more you chew it, the more gross and old it becomes. 
  4. It is like tape. It will hold the first time you stick it, but the more you take it off and stick it back on again, the more it loses its stickiness. 
  5. It is like an apple. The more you bite it, the more it finishes until you have too little, or nothing left.   (photo cred:Kiptoo Koimett)
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About author

Shingai

Going on twenty something Black Girl with chubby cheeks,fat lips, big hips, and a really kinky twa (Teeny-weeny-afro) Believer People Watcher Storyteller Favorite color blue, boo!

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  • Tito Tuni Tibi

    This is really nice Njeri!! A woman/lady cannot be compared to a lollipop, chewing game, padlock or any thing that dehumanizes her. Some forget that Rahab is in the lineage of Jesus, despite her past. The beauty a lady/woman lies, not in her vagina, but in her heart. Also thanks for opening our eyes to how sexist such thinking is.

    However, we should all, male and female, intend to live out our sexual life according to how it was designed to be. It is possible to still wait until the marriage bed. May God’s grace strengthen us.

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