Dear friend who fell for me and the friend I fell for,
This letter is to two different people. I could write to you two separately but I feel like too many of the themes overlap. I am also writing to the two of you at the same time because I feel in order to understand anything or anyone, you need to see both sides of the story. So hopefully, you could learn from each other and from me.
First, I’ll talk to the friend who fell for me. We had fun, emphasis on the ‘had’. I valued value your friendship. You were someone I enjoyed hanging out with and talking to, and we lost that. I’m sorry I couldn’t reciprocate the feelings you had for me. To be honest, I wish I could. You were a nice guy and, on paper, you should be a great guy for me, but I can’t force what isn’t there. I’ve tried dating a friend and all that ended up being was a waste of both our times and hurting him even more. One thing I don’t think you realize is that I did put serious consideration into us before turning you down. We are friends, I didn’t want to hurt you. It’s like a funny, and somewhat crude, joke a friend told me once: Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably crap. As silly as that saying sounds, it is true. I didn’t want to destroy what we had in hopes of a relationship I didn’t want to be in from the get go.
Instead, in a swift turn of events, you hurt me. It is as if as soon as it was established that there was no romantic future between the two of us, I lost value to you. You stopped talking to me. You became cold. We lost those shared inside jokes and the quality time I cherished so much. I understand that you needed time to heal and I gave you your space.
But I didn’t expect you to throw me a curve ball and completely drop me as a friend. You claimed to be a nice guy but how nice can you be if you don’t value anyone else’s feeling but your own.
Now to the second person this letter is to. The friendship in which I found myself at the other side of the friendzone fence. I honestly don’t know how it happened. One day you were the goofball I hung out with and the next you were the one I couldn’t get off my mind. I didn’t understand it at all because I don’t fall for people, but I did fall for you. The worst part of it all was that I knew you weren’t doing it on purpose. While you were always so sweet with me, that was your personality. You were an angel to everyone, and I hated that about you because it made me like you that much more. I remember one time, when I was at a stage where I was slowly moving on, I was with you on the subway. There was this homeless guy. He had no hope left, and was slightly suicidal. He sat down next to you. What did you do? Spend the whole ride trying to convince this guy that he had a reason to live. I knew when you gave that guy the crumpled $10 bill, the only cash you had, and a genuine hug, that I was not over you at all.
I’ve never made the first move on a guy before. Not because I’m this amazingly hot person who has all the men running after her, ha! But because I rarely like people, as I said earlier, and luckily, the guys I have dated came to me first. I dunno what possessed me but I finally bit the bullet and told you.
And you didn’t feel the same. You were nice about it, because you’re an amazing guy.
I wasn’t upset, I wasn’t. I went straight from shock (not that you didn’t like me, but that I told you) to acceptance. I was honestly okay with it. Sure, it sucked that you didn’t reciprocate but I wanted you to be happy and I can deal with the fact that that’s not with me. I still wanted to be your friend because, well, you’re a great person. But I knew our friendship changed slightly. There was, and still is, this awkward tension in the air when we see each other. I think you’re worried about leading me on or whatever, but honestly, don’t be. We were friends before I went all lovestruck on you and I want us to eventually go back to that. I know it won’t happen right away but I want to at least work at it.
So here we are, the three of us. Friendships that were damaged by Cupid’s arrow, but wounds can heal. Friendships are a beautiful thing and I think when we are single, we forget that. We get so consumed by our romantic loneliness that we take the people in our lives for granted. Intimacy is not confined to romance and can be found in platonic relationship as well. So I hope I can return to that level of closeness with you again, with both of you.
The girl with too many guy friends.
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